Bukowski
Ham on Rye
The Factotum Sandwich Delivery Service
Background
Back in my early 20s when I finally managed to move away from my folk’s place, I discovered the writings of Charles Bukowski. There were many things about Bukowski’s writing that appealed to me. I related to his cynicism, and I really enjoyed his sense of humor and his self-deprecating wit. However, it wasn’t until a few years after I began reading Bukowski that I really noticed a quote a the beginning of one his novels. It was a quote from my favorite Dostoyevsky novel, “The Brothers Karamazov”. The quote is, “Who doesn’t hate the father?” My father and I have had a strained relationship my entire life…as he had with his father. That relationship inspired this song.
The song was originally going to be a metal song with extremely vulgar lyrics..and I began by scoring out the guitar riff to that metal song, but my engraving (music scoring) software only had one electric guitar sound, and the sound it produced was much more mellow and funky. That inspired me to change up the lyrics and the groove to this song. The end result is this song, which will be my final musical word on dysfunctional family dynamics.
Lyrics
Verse:
I can't control the resentment inside me.
I tell you that is something I cannot abide by.
You could utter a single kindness.
I could never understand the intentional blindness.
You would always show toward anything I would do,
Would never listen to anything I told you.
If it had anything to do with a point of pride.
I shouldn't bother. I may as well hide it.
Chorus:
You thought all was good.
Of course that's something that you would think.
Doing all you could
To keep standing on the back of somebody who's about to sink.
You thought all was good as long as you kept me in my place.
Now I'm on my own.
So, tell me, when's the last time you saw my face.
Verse:
I can't forgive all the barbs that you threw my way.
I can't believe that you thought I would always play.
This twisted game for which you made up all the rules,
Saying anything to make me look like a fool.
As long as your ego came out unscathed,
You'd put all my shortcomings on display.
If you had offered me anything more than sneers,
I would have taken anything that was not a jeer.
Chorus:
You thought all was good
Of course that's something that you would think.
Doin' all you could to hit me with insults faster than I could think.
You thought all was good
As long as you kept me in my place.
Now I'm on my own
So I really hope that you enjoy your space.
Verse:
So here we go again.
We're dancing around this
While the slanderous words you say can't help but compound this.
Do you think you'll make amends
Constantly attacking
Frankly, I find you to be substantially lacking
Any kind of empathy
Or anything else I need
Not sure why you can't see
The reason that I would leave
If you could find it in yourself to simply ease up
Maybe we'd find a way to finally say that's enough.